by Travis Jeppesen on December 2, 2011
1 tub goat milk
1 whole goat
1 packet spearmint-flavored chewing gum
7 medium-sized eggs
8 ounces strawberry ice cream
2 cans minced clams and juice
½ carafe red wine (sweet)
½ cup mustard
3 cups corn meal
½ cup chopped parsley
1 bottle tequila
7 strips of bacon
3 fluid ounces frog sperm
5 fluid ounces olive paste
1 dozen leeches
12 ounces green pine needles
10 pounds iguana intestines
Hot pink daisies
12½ fluid ounces pale yellow food coloring
Boil the goat in a vat of its own milk. Chew entire packet of gum for five minutes, then spit it into the vat. Stir well into gum is melted. Allow the mixture to cool.
Preheat oven to 400 degrees Celsius.
In separate pan, beat three of the medium-sized eggs mercilessly with a spatula. Add strawberry ice cream. Allow ice cream to melt. Without stirring mixture, pour liquid in to large baking pan. Cook in oven at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.
Scramble well two eggs over medium heat. Right when they are on the verge of burning, douse with the minced clams and juice. Stir mixture until bubbling simmers down. Remove from heat. Drain mixture and transfer to bowl. Add red wine, mustard, corn meal, and chopped parsley. Don’t stir too well.
Pour tequila into large shot glass; add a shake or two of garlic powder; ingest. Repeat infrequently throughout the remainder of the cooking process.
Fry bacon to desired crispness; save bacon fat in separate jar.
Remove egg-and-ice-cream mixture from oven. Allow to cool. Cut into ravioli-sized pieces.
Mix frog sperm and olive paste in separate bowl. Break up bacon into bite-size morsels and scatter haphazardly across the mixture.
Boil leeches in bacon fat, adding liberal doses of salt. When finished, spoon leeches into ravioli noodles and knead into perfectly round pouches.
Spread frog sperm olive paste mixture on to thinly cut slices of toasted Italian baguette or brown bread. Serve to guests as appetizer.
Douse green pine needles in vinegar, adding cherry tomatoes. Spread on to a large flat surface. Spread the milkgoat mixture evenly on to the salad bed and serve.
Place salted leech ravioli noodles into blender or food processor. Mix to a fine dust; freeze.
Using sushi knife, slice iguana intestines into thick white cuts, which should resemble sharkfins. With a smaller knife, remove any insects or fecal matter one comes across. Rinse well. In a sanitized frying pan, cook intestines in a dry white wine on low heat. The intestines should be cooked for a very short time; they taste best when half raw.
Slather intestines with the lumpy sauce made of sweet red wine, minced clams, scrambled eggs, mustard, corn meal, and chopped parsley.
Remove salted leech ravioli dust from freezer, cutting it into slices approximately four inches in width. Garnish with two raw eggs and hot pink daisies. Splatter conservatively with pale yellow food coloring and serve as a side dish.
Makes a single solitary serving.
This meal is best served with a vintage port and an assortment of cheese, crackers, and fruit.